The birds an the Loch Ness Monster
by werewolves-like-baking
Summary: Nessie walks in on Bella and Edward 'Baking' and is quite confused. So she goes to each of the Cullens to find out what they were doing!
1. Saved by the vampirehybrid!

**Howdy to all of the few people who reviewed my last attempt at a story and howdy to Mia! I know that I should be updating "If Edward never returned..." but I have a word block with that (I can't seem to put down what I want to say into words!) so I will hopefully sometime regain my brain with that! p.s GO VAMPIRE PERIODS! Lol**

The birds and the loch Ness monster

"Jakeeeeee!" Nessie has to be the cutest being on the planet. In just a few seconds she had managed to tuck herself under my arm and onto my lap. She looked like she was concentrating very hard on something.

"What's bugging you?" I asked her.

"Nothing." She was just as stubborn as her mother.

"C'mon I can tell that you are trying very hard to figure something out!" I said, then added more playfully, "If you don't surrender I'll just have to tickle it out of you!"

"I'll never surrender !" She was playing along with my game, and I was thrilled! You might think that I'm a little sad for being so happy that a five year old is joining in with me, but I s'pose that's what happens when you imprint. The simplest things can please you.

"Fine then but if you don't take the first option then you leave me with nothing more to do than to tickle you! Ha ha!" Nessie was extremely ticklish and so this was quite a threat.

"No! No, please don't tickle me! I surrender!" she squealed, "Well..."

"Stop stalling, I want to know!"

"Well... last night I had a nightmare and. You won't be mad? Will you?"

She actually thought I could be mad at _her_!

"Nessie how could I ever be mad at you? You can tell me anything!" She still looked worried. "So, you had this nightmare...?"

"yeah and I was scared so I got up and I walked into mummy and daddy's room and saw them on the bed," oh god, I hope this isn't going where I think this is going. "But I was a bit confused about why they weren't wearing any clothes. And they were in a weird position, and mummy was on top of daddy and she was going up and down. They were making funny noises!" She looked at me hopefully.

"Well... umm... yeah..." Oh god what do I tell a _five year old _about the fact that she walked in on her mum and dad having sex? _Oh Nessie, it's ok your mummy and daddy were just humping away like gorillas_... no I didn't think so!

"You don't know either do you?" Phew! Saved by the vampire-hybrid!

"Nope, not really!" I lied.

"It's ok. We can go and find out together!" Maybe not so saved then...

**I know that it was short but I have to introduce it somehow! Please review and if you do you will be rewarded! The next chapters will all be different members of the Cullen family trying to explain! Put in your review which one next! **


	2. I AM NOT A PRUDE!

**Okies... second chapter, Emmet came first in the voting of who would be next! So here he is with his point of view... Ta daaaaa! Oh by the way, I forgot to say this before but this story was inspired by I'll-bake-for-Edward's answer to the Shakespeare test in the SATs (when two people love each other very much...) So thanks Mia!! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything nothing nada ... It's just not fair! **

The birds and the loch Ness monster.

Emmet's POV:

Listening in on everyone's conversations is fun, I can hear Edward and Bella being all soppy, 'oohh Eddikinz I love you, please do me you old prude!' tehehehe!

"EMMETT!" The old prude has risen from Bella's nether regains to tell me off, what a surprise!

"EMMETT! I can hear your thoughts you know! And I'm nowhere near Bella's nether regains as you so crudely put it! Just to verify, I AM NOT A PRUDE!" Gawd, he can be so touchy sometimes, touchy hahaha as in he is _touching _Bella as in he is fingering her!! Hahahahaha!

Oh! Better stop laughing now someone is coming, coming as in cumming as in the thing that happens during... oh I am such a comedy genius! I have just started my self off now hahahahhahahahha! Right Emmett, control yourself shut up!

"Uncle Emmie!" Awww, Nessie is so cute look at her running towards me little arms all stretched out! "Uncle Emmie, what's so funny?"

"Umm... I was telling myself a joke!" Phew good job I have a quick mind!

"Nessie, didn't you have a question that you wanted to ask Emmett?" I hadn't even noticed Jake coming (coming, cumming haahahah!)

"Ummm... yes! Uncle Emmett, what is s-s-sexual intercourse?"

Woah! Now _this_ is a question I can answer!

"Well... when two people love each other very much they decide to have sexual intercourse it's where the man puts his, umm Nessie this is rather hard to explain! I'm not very good with words!" Her little face fell! "But I can show you!"

"Em, what! No! You can't show a five year old _PORN! _It's mentally scarring and-" Oh shut up! It won't do her any harm!

Right, Internet! Just type in the address for my favorite porn site and hey presto! Time for some top class sex-ed!

"Right Nessie, why are you asking this question?" I said in my most serious voice.

Jacob's POV:

"Right Nessie, why are you asking this question?" Emmett said in a voice that sounded like he desperately needed a poo.

"I saw mommy and daddy in the bedroom doing what that lady and man are there." She pointed to the computer screen where an image of a naked woman and man were, well... engaged in rather adult activities.

This is so wrong and Edward and Bella are going to kill Emmett for showing their five year old porn! And then they are going to kill me for letting Emmett show their five year old porn, I am dead!

"Yes, well this is something called doggy style, you might find that useful in later life, and this is..." Oh god he was explaining the different positions _and _making references to me being a werewolf _nad _me being a werewolf enjoying one of these positions, ugh! Could this get any worse?

"And these nice people have decided to video themselves for us all to watch!" The answer is yes, yes it could get _much_ worse!

"Emmett, I don't think that you should be showing Nessie tha-" Too late he has already pressed play, great Nessie is now officially disturbed for life!

"Uncle Emmie, why are that lady and man connected by a long thing?" Oh god he was going to explain about the... parts and please say he won't show pictures!

"Right me and Nessie are going to go now, bye Emmett!" Thank god he didn't make us stay, that would have been hellish!

"If you want to know more just ask!" He wants to show Nessie _more_ porn?

"So, Nessie did you learn everything you wanted to?" I asked hopefully.

"Not, not really! All he showed me was some videos on the internet and some strange pictures, I didn't really learn anything at all!" Great all of that and she didn't even get anything out of it!

"Oh well. I s'pose you'll just have to give up then!" Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes...

"No, I think I'll just have to ask someone else, maybe Jasper will know something!" Damn! Why does she have to be so curious? She's half Bella, that's why!

"Jacob, what's this I hear about Emmett showing Nessie porn?" It was Edward, and he had just walked into the room, and he had that sadistic smile on his face, I'm dead! Hmm, i wonder if that was what he looked like when he turned Bella into a necrophiliac... No Jake you don't want to give him anymore reason to kill you just shut up! Oh god, I am dead, dead as a dodo a dodo who is jumping off a bridge whilst drinking cyanide whilst being chopped up, run over by a car and trampled on by elephants... Basically I'm dead !

**Hope you all liked it, remember REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! It only takes two measly clicks and some typing! Jasper is next!**


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